I'm Not Darwin

by Montgomery Vickers, O.D.

The male wakes to a cool morning, stretching his paws as he growls quietly to remind the other beasts that he is starting the day. He scratches mindlessly and coughs. His red eyes review the space around him, and seeing the female, his longtime mate, playfully pats her back. The female's growl is not inviting, so he stumbles onto all fours and crawls into a day filled with danger and excitement. The next 10 hours will be spent in search of food, water and car payments.

What's all this new controversy about evolution? When observing the optometrist in his natural habitat, one can plainly see that there has been, in fact, no evolution at all. The jungle presents the same challenges as always. The monkey fears the lion will consume him as a snack. The optometrist fears the doughnut shop will be closed for renovations. Show me evidence of evolution in that.

However, there are interesting similarities and differences in the lives and times of optometrists and other primates that we cannot overlook. Here are a few:

1) Monkeys like bananas. Optometrists are bananas (and many love banana daiquiris).

2) Monkeys swing through the trees with abandon. Optometrists swing the phoropter with abandon.

3) Monkeys can't rid their habitats of flies. Optometrists often forget to zip their flies.

4) Monkeys can climb trees and make funny faces. Optometrists can't climb worth a darn. The funny face thing we can handle.

5) Monkeys are sometimes sleepy and bored. Optometrists are sometimes creepy and on the board.

6) Monkeys communicate effectively via screams and grunts. Optometrists haven't quite mastered that yet.

7) Monkeys can learn to open a jar to get food. Optometrists hire assistants who can help with that daunting task.

8) Monkeys, when cornered, will bite and scratch. Optometrists do that whether cornered or when a patient asks for a contact lens Rx.

9) Monkeys have hairy faces, necks and backs. Been to the pool at an optometry conference lately?

10) An optometrist naively plans his retirement. A monkey bravely accepts that he'll never retire.

11) An optometrist moonlights at the mall. A monkey would never do that.

12) An optometrist can do a perfect refraction. Between an ophthalmologist and a monkey, I'd bet on the latter.

13) Loosen up ... number 12 was just a joke!

14) An optometrist goes to continuing education to constantly improve his knowledge. A monkey never needs lessons on how to throw his crap.

15) A monkey has the strength of three men. An optometrist has the waistline of three men.

16) Monkeys live with gorillas in the jungles. Optometrists deal with gorillas in the HMOs.

17) Optometrists are important members of the medical community. Monkeys wouldn't be caught dead with that bunch of bananas.

18) Optometrists use phoropters to evaluate patients. A monkey would use a phoropter to break open a coconut.

19) Monkeys follow the lead of the dominant male. Optometrists follow the lead of whoever is crazy enough to be an officer in the association.

20) Monkeys live their whole lives in the same region. Optometry boards make sure optometrists have to live like monkeys.

21) Monkeys jump, roll, screech and scratch. Ever see optometrists dance?

22) Monkeys hate snakes. Optometrists tolerate ophthalmologists.

23) An optometrist is proud of his accomplishments. A monkey is proud of his ability to put a whole orange in his mouth.

24) Monkeys don't expect anything at all. Optometrists don't expect the Masters family to show up for their appointments.

25) Monkeys have baby monkeys. Optometrists almost never have baby monkeys. Almost never.

26) Optometrists get their glasses free. Monkeys have to pay retail.

27) Monkeys live a safe, monotonous daily life. Optometrists live a life full of excitement and danger. Or is it vice versa?

28) Some optometrists give away their services for peanuts. A monkey gets a peanut for sitting in a cage.

29) Optometrists read "Chair-side." OK, maybe we have evolved.

Share your evolution stories with Dr. Vickers by writing him at Review of Optometry, 201 King of Prussia Road, Radnor, PA  19089; or e-mail them to reviewofoptometry@jobson.com.