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CHAIRSIDE From the Halls of Watsamatta U? by Montgomery Vickers, O.D. Since I was regurgitated out of Philly—that's Philly talk for Philadelphia—I've met optometrists from nearly every optometry school in
the country. Although one should never pigeonhole people, I have noticed some interesting trends. These may be relative to where the schools are, but it makes for a more interesting column to credit or blame
the schools themselves for what they un-leash into the real world of eye care. Here are some of my impressions, but don't feel bad if your school wasn't lucky enough to be included here:
• Ferris State University/Michigan College of Optometry. Ask them where they went to school. I dare you. Their answer is "Michigan." People, you are not Wolverines
because you went to Ferris State. And quit painting those weird yellow wings and stripes on your BIO head straps. It looks dumb on football helmets. On BIOs, it's just pathetic.
• Illinois College of Optometry. I was born in the great town of Harvey, Ill. That's where I got my southern accent. You'd think I'd be all misty-eyed about this place, but I'm
not. Tom Grif-fith, noted as the second-best O.D. in my town of St. Albans, W.Va., went to ICO. That's where he learned that doctor stuff. I hate him. He checks my eyes.
• University of Indiana. Since I went to a little dinky, private O.D. school, the Hoosier O.D.s bug me with all their high-fallutin' technology, such as ERGs and VEPs, and those hats with straws that hold two cans of Bud.
• New England College of Optometry. I know. I've met you. I wouldn't have gone to Harvard med school either if I got accepted at NEWENCO. • Nova Southeastern University. Has anyone noticed that all Nova grads look like
spring breakers on MTV? Do they eat their older grads because they are not beautiful anymore? Does the House of Versace design lab coats? • Pacific University. Robust, outdoorsy, Dr. Grizzly Adams, wacko environmentalists.
I like them. • Southern College of Optometry. I swore when they refused to admit me that I'd never hold a grudge against those self-destructing, sawed-off sacks of mucoprotein.
• SUNY. That stands for State University of New York. After meeting 20 or so grads from this fine institution, I only have one question: Aren't they all the same guy?
• Ohio State University. I have always said this: I've never met a dumb optometrist from Ohio State. It's true. At least the part about me saying it is. • University of Alabama-Birming-ham. I love UAB and Alabama. Dean Arol
Augsburger gave me a UAB lapel pin. I had to grovel to get one from my school. Southern lingo, cold brewskis, almost heaven … West Virginia. • University of Houston. Another big place in another big place. I don't know any
grads from there as far as I can recall. Did you know if they split Alaska in half and made two states, Texas would be the third largest state in the country?
• Montreal Ecole d'Optometrie. Are the classes taught in French, or does the name just help 'em pick up chicks? • Southern California College of Optometry. Again, I don't know any grads from
there, but I suspect they're just rad and stoked. • Northeastern State University. These folks seem to be straight shooters. I once received a letter from an Okie that said something like, "Column stank." Why waste words? I won't.
Who'd I leave out? Oh yeah, my dear old PCO. I didn't attend my 20-year reunion and partake in the frolic. I didn't even partake in the keg. What's wrong with me anyway?
PCO was one of the most important parts of my life. I will always treasure my memories and friends, and the moment that changed the course of my life. No, not
graduation. You know, when I tried snuff and passed out during a softball game against the podiatry school. Send Dr. Vickers more stuff at Review of Optometry, 201 King of Prussia Road, Radnor, PA 19089; or e-mail it to him at reviewofoptometry@-cahners.com.
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Optometry school was a big part of my life. I attended Pennsylvania College of Optometry, and received a first-class education attending school in a big
city. I even learned stuff at the school. Stuff like, I should move back South.