CHAIRSIDE
Petite Print to Protect Your Practice
Montgomery Vickers, O.D.
Not many of you know this, but at this time I am, with many of our colleagues across
America, embroiled (legal word) in a lawsuit regarding a lighted sign and a certain
bankrupt company’s leasing department. Anyway, I can’t really talk about that.
But I’ve decided that one lawsuit is enough and I should review what’s going on
around here to protect myself from further legal entanglements.
What got me started was that, at almost age 45, I can’t read the fine print on the
saline solution bottle. There appears to be something designed to protect the manufacturer
from its own entanglements. My scanning microscope (i.e. sewing magnifier) reveals
something like this: “This bottle contains saline. Saline is salt water. Sharks
breathe salt water. Therefore, if you have enough of these little bottles and you fill up
a big tank and release a shark into the tank, please be careful swimming.”
Boy, they sure are covering their bases, and a lot better than I am. In this lawsuit-nutty
world, here are a few of my best ideas for my own small print, complete with their own
little introductions:
• Now Mrs. Patientstein, just read this card. “A-P-E-O-T-F. By reading this
card, you, the patient, are accepting that if you say that the ‘O’ might be a
‘C’ just to be safe, the eye doctor might snap and attack you with the
razor-sharp edge on the card heretofore in question.”
• Before we proceed, I need you to fill out this insurance and health history update.
“By filling out this form you will help the doctor understand your health history for
a more accurate examination. Of course, you will also be giving him private information
that could be used against you after a nuclear holocaust like in the made-for-TV movie
‘The Day After.’ And if the doctor’s family needs your food, he will most
likely pull your file and tell everyone that you are on the pill, including your
grandmother, assuming she makes it into the bomb shelter on time.”
• This is an auto-refractor, an instrument that will measure the shape and power of
your eye with an invisible infrared light. “By agreeing to this test, you admit that
you understand that infrared light can fry an ant on the sidewalk when coupled with a
10-year-old boy and a magnifying glass.”
• Now, let me get you lined up with the phoropter and we’ll check your vision.
“When you submit to this test, you give up all rights to sue the doctor if he sets
the instrument’s PD distance too small and causes you to talk like Pee Wee Herman
throughout the examination—so much so that the doctor and whole staff laugh at
everything you say, bringing back memories of high school before your voice changed and
everyone called you ‘Sunflower.’”
• We’ll use these eye drops to make it easier for me to examine the in-sides of
your eyes. “No sweat. These babies can’t hurt you!”
• This is a slit lamp. “By placing your chin in the chin rest, you accept the
fact that all the doctor has to do to snap your neck is accidentally step on the lever
that releases the table, which will drop like a rock, as will your head.”
• Which is better? One or two? “By choosing either number one or two, you are
not deciding the meaning of life and should not make such a big deal out of the fact that
neither one nor two is worth a hoot.”
Oh, and I forgot one last one. “By reading this column, you agree to release Dr.
Vickers from saying anything that matters and you also agree to let him drive your Lincoln
when he shows up this winter, assuming you live in Florida.”
Dr. Vickers protects himself in St. Albans, W.Va. You may contact him at reviewofoptometry@jobson.com or Review of
Optometry, 201 King of Prussia, Radnor, PA 19089.
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